This is one of the biggest mistakes I see Passionate World Changers making with their dreams – we plant and run.
‘Shiny Object Syndrome’ is one of the biggest ways to trash your dreams, yet most of us are addicted to it. Discover a secret from the world of meditation that can crank up your commitment and make your success much more likely.
Listen Now:
[smart_track_player url=”http://traffic.libsyn.com/soulnudge/SoulNudge.me-004.mp3″ title=”Don’t Plant And Run! Soul Nudge Episode 004″ artist=”Clare Josa, Author | Speaker | Mentor to Passionate World Changers” image=”https://www.clarejosa.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/SOUL-NUDGE-PODCAST-LOGO.png” social_linkedin=”true” social_pinterest=”true” social_email=”true” tweet_text=”Don’t plant and run! Listen to today’s Soul Nudge podcast:” hashtag=”soulnudge #passionateworldchanger #commitment #abhyasa” twitter_username=”clare_josa” ]
Today’s quote:
“Don’t let your match blow out until your fire is lit.”
Today’s intention: notice actions you can take – today – to move yourself towards your dreams. Connect with that sense of commitment – that sense of having said YES to your dreams!
Resources:
Here’s the book I mention – Dare to Dream Bigger. It takes you through how to escape from Shiny Object Syndrome, to crank up your commitment on your dreams and how to let go of the hidden fears and blocks that stop us from committing. I hope you love it!
[thrive_link color=’orange’ link=’http://www.daretodreambiggerhandbook.com’ target=’_self’ size=’medium’ align=’left’]Get Your Copy[/thrive_link]
If you're not a member of Dare To Dream Bigger on Facebook yet, click this link and the 'join group' button first.
Today's Assignment:
Going through the meditation we did on day one, imagining your Big Vision, having got in to the full experience of it on day two, knowing how you will know when you have got there, and having cleared out your secondary gain yesterday, today it's time to brainstorm inspired actions.
In your Day 4 training, we're talking about why writing your goals down isn't enough to make your Big Vision happen in the coming year. You will discover:
What really made the difference for the urban myth 3% of Harvard Graduates who wrote down their goals and ended up earning more than the other 97% put together
The single biggest reason why Law of Attraction and Manifesting fall over
The mentoring process I personally use to figure out the key points on my Big Vision journey - and the secret to making sure they happen
Extra Resources
Join me for the FREE online masterclass: 5 Hidden Beliefs ThatCan Trash Your Business Dreams - And What To Do About Them. Watch it here now.
In your Day 1 training, you get to connect with your Big Vision in a totally new way - one that builds firm foundations for the year ahead, instead of leaving your business rocking on the point of an upside down pyramid.
The video guides you through:
What your Big Vision is - and what it isn't
3 specific ways it can help you to grow your business in the coming year
Why most of us have spent years (or decades!) building our Big Vision upside down, and why this makes it so hard to succeed
Are you having an unhappy new year? It’s that time of year when inboxes, social media feeds and text messages are full of messages wishing us a Happy New Year. But what can you do if your New Year feels far from happy?
Christmas and New Year are a time when it is expected of us to be upbeat and happy. But what if you can’t manage that right now? And if every happy new year wish makes you feel even worse?
This Christmas has been a tough one for our family. The week before Christmas, my normally fighting-fit Mother-In-Law was admitted to hospital with a broken arm. We spent the whole of Christmas fighting to try to get the overstretched hospital staff to do more than ‘holding care’ as complications turned this minor injury into one that required blood transfusions. And we felt like we were failing. On New Year’s Eve she died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack.
And there have been a couple of other situations that have come up over the past two weeks that will also change our lives forever.
So each and every post I have seen, instructing me to be happy and to celebrate the New Year, has triggered my pain button.
My Inner Drama Queen has wanted to rant and cry and tell people ‘how dare they’ tell me how to feel, just because of a calendar date. I have had to work quite hard to stop her from responding rudely to everyone who has been kind enough to send us loving New Year wishes. My Inner Drama Queen wants to project the pain she feels.
I know I’m not the only person in the world who is going through the Brown Stuff just now, so I thought it might help you if I share the three main things I’m doing to handle ‘daring’ to feel miserable at what ‘should’ be a happy time of year. It’s my strategy for having a positive, unhappy new year.
How To Have A Positive Unhappy New Year
1. Stop Judging Yourself
It’s ok that you don’t feel happy right now. At tough times in my life, the Dalai Lama’s mantra of “This too will pass” has really helped. Beating myself up about not feeling happy has never helped me to feel happier.
And stop pretending that you’re feeling ok, if you’re not. It’s ok not to be. Accepting the emotions you are feeling, without diving into the drama and the story, allows you to get back to an even keel much more quickly.
Yes, it might be time to get some professional support. Yes, it might be time to take positive action to turn your situation around. But judging yourself and allowing your Inner Critic to take over doesn’t help.
People want other people to feel happy at New Year and Christmas. It’s a fact. And we find it hard to handle being around people who aren’t – who throw cold water over our fun. And that’s ok.
It’s not reasonable for the Inner Drama Queen to expect others to temper their happiness, just because we’re feeling low. Similarly, exposing ourselves to a constant stream of happy people is a form of self-torture, if we’re in a space when we need to ‘be with’ our less-than-happy emotions.
If you’re struggling with things in life that make it hard to feel happy, then it’s worth ducking out of social media until the New Year hype has died down. Turn to real-world friends, instead, who will truly listen and support you. It’s ok to ask for help.
3. Ask Yourself The Magic Question
“What’s true in this?”
If you find yourself telling yourself stories about how it’s not fair or others shouldn’t behave the way they should, take a step back, do some mindful breathing and ask yourself what is true in that story and what is projection – the Inner Drama Queen wanting to be heard?
Ask your body: if you catch yourself telling yourself (or others) stories about whatever is happening in your life, does your body relax or tense? Does it feel lighter or heavier? If it’s getting tense and heavy, you might find my simple ABC technique to tame your inner critic in under sixty seconds and choose which thoughts to feed turns things around for you.
Above all, if you’re in a painful place just now, give yourself the time and space you need to heal. And make sure you are allowing people to help you. You might be surprised how happy they are to do so.
I hope this 3-step strategy helps – and I send you love and big virtual hugs, if you’re struggling during this happy season. I hope your unhappy new year soon shifts and that the sun comes back out for you.
Hungry to make a bigger difference in the world with your business? Fed up with feeling stuck?
Tired of having to work so hard? Feel like you've tried everything, but you're not making enough progress?
Still dreaming of breakthroughs? But drowning in overwhelm? Secretly know you're blocking the success you're dreaming of?
Hungry to make the difference you have been dreaming of in the world? But it feels like the doors are closed?
You're hungry to make a difference in the world?
But what you're doing isn't getting you the results you're dreaming of?
I've been where you're at. I have got the proverbial t-shirt from doing every course I could find, trying out every hot-new-stuff technique, reading gazillions of 'this-fixes-everything' articles, listening to podcasts, watching countless videos, and spending a fortune on high-end programmes, trying to figure out ways to satisfy my deep-down hunger to make the difference I knew I was here to make.
But, despite the promises, the results were hit and miss. And, worse:
I thought it was my fault.
Nowadays, in the work I do, I see so many passionate world-changers - entrepreneurs and business managers - who have spent thousands on every programme and training they can find, so they can be the best they can be, and make the difference they dream of.
But it isn't working for them, either.
Over the years, I spent THOUSANDS, studying with the best of the best of small business mentors and personal development trainers, but I never seemed to get the results they got. And, if I'm totally honest, I felt like a failure and a fraud.
But nobody was talking about this.
Instead, my social media feed and email inbox were full of glossy images of super-successful people telling me that their strategy was the only one that could ever work for me. Newbie coaches were packaging themselves as experienced business mentors. People with great photography and fabulous graphic designers were telling me it was all down to how I was / wasn't using social media, or Facebook ads, or the right email sequences, or 'conversion tactics', or some other 'outside world' strategy. Or it was because I was 'broken' - I wasn't thinking the 'right' thoughts or doing the right 'manifesting' rituals, so it was all my fault.
Then one day the lightbulb went on. I woke up and realised that I was putting all of the effort into the 'outside actions', but not focusing on clearing out my hidden 'inside world' blocks. As an NLP Trainer ('user manual' for your brain) since 2003, that was a bit of an embarrassing DUH moment. 😉
I was subconsciously self-sabotaging. I was being held back by self-imposed glass ceilings that I didn't even realise were there. I was secretly terrified of being successful. So a tiny bit inside of me made sure I kept playing small, no matter how big I was dreaming.
The breakthroughs finally came when I got totally clear about my Big Vision and reconnected with my passion.
I got excited about clearing out those hidden blocks, beliefs, fears, excuses and habits that had been getting in the way. Otherwise there was no way I was going to be able take the inspired action that was needed for me to reach the audience that was desperate to hear my message.
And it worked. It worked so well, it blew me away.
I want it to work for you, too.
I want you to be able to stop having to work so hard. I dream of a day when you can easily step into your Soul-Shoes and show the world your authentic Inner Genius, without feeling fearful or worrying about what others might think.
I had learned a vital Truth:
You have all the answers you need, already, inside of yourself.
And I would love to show you how to find them.
I feel passionately about empowering you to make the difference you are longing to make, living your life’s purpose to the full and inspiring others to do the same.
And I have spent the past 15 years specialising in helping people just like you to do the ‘inside work’ that makes their ‘outside dreams’ fall into place.
Dream-Trashing Warning Signs You Don't Want To Ignore
You're secretly feeling stuck. Going through the motions? Procrastinating? Overwhelmed? Exhausted? All of these are signs that you're subconsciously blocking your success.
You chase the latest, new shiny thing - or solution. You constantly move from one exciting idea to the next, meaning your best work never gets a chance to grow and take off.
You're doing the right things, but they're just not working. You're doing everything the 'gurus' and experts recommend - but somehow it's just not working for you.
You secretly fear you'll never be a success. Your heart is calling you to step up and make a bigger difference in the world, but you're terrified you'll fail.
You feel like a fraud. Imposter syndrome - you see everyone else's success and feel bad about feeling jealous, but when will it be your turn?
You turn down golden opportunities. And you'll usually have good reasons, but with hindsight you wish you had said yes more - and done fewer freebies.
You're overwhelmed and exhausted. You dread opening your inbox. You're drowning in your 'to do' list. You're so busy you barely have time to pee, but you're not getting the results you deserve.
It doesn't have to be that way.
My mentoring clients know my secret - that there are three steps to setting yourself free to make the difference you're here to make in the world:
1
GET TOTALLY CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT
Get 110% connected with a Big Vision that excites and inspires you - and energises you.
So few of us really have this level of clarity. But when you're deeply connected with your Big Why and the difference you're uniquely here to make, it gives you fast-track access to the passion that will give you the courage to stretch old comfort zones and get your message out there, making the difference you're here to make.
2
CLEAR OUT YOUR HIDDEN BLOCKS
Discover how to spot - and easily release - the hidden blocks, fears, excuses and worries that have kept you playing small.
You can put an end to self-doubt, self-sabotage and feeling like a fraud. You can crank up your confidence, so that you no longer subconsciously use overwhelm and procrastination to protect yourself from your secret fear of being seen - and even being successful.
3
TAKE INSPIRED ACTION - DO THE STUFF THAT OUGHT TO SCARE YOU!
Take the actions that create breakthroughs, not overwhelm. Learn how to trust your intuition - and how to connect with your Dream Team.
You can find yourself feeling excited about your work again, feeling in flow, rather than feeling like you're having to try too hard, constantly pushing boulders uphill through treacle. And things fall into place more easily, taking less time and energy to get better results.
Remember: success is 20% about what you do and 80% about your inner world.
It goes so much deeper than 'mindset' and 'attitude'.
The real gems lie beneath the surface.
Changing the world is an inside job.
It’s less about what you do – and more about who you allow yourself to become.
I want to make it easy for you. I'd love to share my insider secrets and inspirational, practical strategies from the past 15 years of mentoring passionate World-Changers, just like you.
The world needs you, now, not 'one day' when you're feeling 'ready'.
Somewhere out there, right now, someone is lying awake at night, dreaming of the solution that only you can offer.
In your Dare To Dream Bigger Deep Dive Mastermind, I spill the beans on the gems I have discovered from 15 years of mentoring passionate World-Changers. It means you can take years (and $000s!) off your journey towards making the difference you're here to make in the world with your business.
Here's What Your 90-Day Mastermind Brings You:
Create Business Breakthroughs You'll Love In Under 90 Days
Practical inspiration with weekly video training on the 7 steps for business breakthroughs, as loved by thousands of Dare To Dream Bigger readers & listeners. But you're going to get insider secrets that Clare can't share in just a book or podcast.
Full Support & Accountability With Your Passionate World-Changer Tribe
Your virtual water-cooler team is waiting for you to bounce ideas, get feedback and share inspiration, as you work on your dreams. And it's all in a distraction-free, non-Facebook, Google-proof space in my private membership forum.
Get Answers To Your Questions & Celebrate Your Successes
Weekly live group mentoring Q&A calls with Clare Josa to get answers to your questions and celebrate your breakthroughs and comfort zone stretching.
How To Ditch Your Limiting Beliefs - Fast - No More Sticky Plasters
EARLYBIRD BONUS: Get my Limiting Belief Toolkit online training (my most popular online course) - usually £197.
Clearing Out Self-Doubt - 5 Part Training
EARLYBIRD BONUS:
This 5-part video training teaches you how to handle doubts and fears, when you don't have time for navel-gazing. Usually £97.
How To Get Out Of Your Own Way - Fast
EARLYBIRD BONUS: How I cleared out a 30-year-old block and went from "I can't write stories" to having my first novel published in under four months. I'll teach you how to create this level of breakthrough in your business, too. Others are paying £97 for this masterclass.
The Deep Dive Mastermind Is An Inspired And Unique Blend Of Proven Business Strategy And Block-Clearing 'Inside Work'
I know what it's like to be busy, so all the elements of your Dare To Dream Bigger Deep Dive Mastermind are broken down into bite-sized chunks. As a professional NLP Trainer, I have been trained in how to break my unique strategies down into easy-to-apply steps. I have spent over 15 years specialising in making it as easy as possible for you to learn, grow and create inner and outer change.
So all the techniques I share with you can be applied in less time than it takes a kettle to boil. And all of us can find that much time, can't we?
Here's What You Need To Know:
You don't just get the 'what', you get the 'how-to': I make sure you've got the same step-by-step processes I use with my Mentoring clients, and myself, to help you set yourself free from your hidden blocks.
This stuff works: I have lost count of how many of my students, clients and Mastermind members tell me that these resources reached the parts they had given up hope of reaching, having tried pretty much everything else.
We get below the surface: sometimes blocks created by your Monkey Mind can't be solved by 'thinking them away'. That's when we dive in and do the 'engineer-approved woo-woo' that makes the vital difference.
I share what works: and sometimes that means we'll talk about 'energy' and 'soul' and 'heart' and 'alignment' as well as business strategy. I hope that's ok with you. I'd be doing you a disservice if I pretended that your rational mind could change the world on its own.
And you're not alone.
Your Dare To Dream Bigger Deep Dive Mastermind gets you access to our gorgeous private online community, where you can share your journey with like-minded, passionate World-Changers.
No longer do you have to struggle to find the answers you need, or wish you had someone who 'gets' you, to bounce ideas off.
You're not meant to change the world on your own. We'd love to be your virtual cheerleaders and accountability partners.
What Past Masterminders Say
Rosie Slosek
One Man Band Accounting
Working with Clare created breakthroughs.
Clare has a way of explaining things you already knew so you create breakthroughs. The support group made such a difference and we're still there for each other, months later.
Clare's Mastermind is a safe space where you can grow, share, learn and become the person to need to be to have the business you dream of. Working with Clare has been the difference between being stuck and frustrated and on the path to creating my dream business and life.
Teresa Pangan
Nutrition Consultant
Clare has helped me to leverage my gifts.
I have had so many ah-has with Clare’s courses and support. A big thing for me is that I now have clarity for how to pivot my business that is truly me - leverage my gifts.
I have been stuck helping people with their problems outside my gifts which has slowed down my dream business. Clare also turned on the lightbulb for me so I have inner motivation to carry me all the way through.
Lastly, working with Clare pushed me to get clearer on who I should focus on attracting - ideal target market, who I give the biggest transformation for.
Who Is The Deep Dive Mastermind For?
You might be running a business, you might be a freelancer or you might be self-employed. The 'inside work' we do in the Dare To Dream Bigger Deep Dive Mastermind will work for you, whatever it is you are doing with your days - and whatever it is that you want to achieve or create.
What counts is that you're here to make a difference and you know it's time to 'get out of your own way'.
If you enjoy the way I work and want to make more of a commitment to yourself and your future, but aren't yet ready for one-to-one mentoring, then the Dare To Dream Bigger Deep Dive Mastermind is the perfect way to take the next step. In it, I share with you the 'inside work' that makes the vital 'outside world' difference.
And it is priced as close as I can make it to a 'no-brainer', whilst still offering the quality and service you deserve.
What's The Investment?
How Much Time Does It Take?
Each week's live training lasts about half an hour, plus you might spend a few hours on that week's worksheet actions and discussions about the key strategies we cover.
The weekly Q&A call lasts up to an hour.
There will be integration weeks, where you don't get new material, but still have a Q&A call.
But the time commitment is entirely up to you. It's all designed to be easy to fit in around your schedule, but you will need to mark out time in your diary, to get the most from your Mastermind. I can't do that for you!
But I can help you to find the time - you'll get my hugely popular training on 'how to magically make more time' before we start!
How Much Does It Cost?
Less than the cost of a one-hour mentoring session with me.
The early bird rate is just £297.
The full price will be £497.
And your bonuses, alone, would normally cost more than that.
How much would it be worth to you to FINALLY make 2018 the year when...?
DARE TO DREAM BIGGER DEEP DIVE MASTERMIND
Your Membership Benefits:
Weekly Video Training You get download access to training materials that for 9 of the 12 weeks. This level of training would normally cost £97 per module - that's £900.
Your World-Changer Tribe You get full access to the Google-proof, non-Facebook, distraction-free private forum for your Mastermind. I'm in the group most week-days for the duration of the programme. Priceless!
Office Hours - Live Q&A Get answers to your questions - this would usually cost £97 per session - that's £1,200
Limiting Beliefs Toolkit The regular price for this training is £197 and it's my most popular online course
Clearing Out Self-Doubt This 5-part training is normally £97 and it's yours - forever - as part of this programme. Plus you get my 90-minute masterclass on how to get out of your own way, fast, which is normally £97.
No Future Fees No sneaky charges or recurring costs. You pay a one-off payment to join the Deep Dive Mastermind.
All of this is yours for less than the price of a one-hour mentoring session with me:
This is an early bird rate and only lasts until the end of this week. The full rate is £497.
I want to make your Mastermind cost as close as possible to a no-brainer, whilst still offering the quality and service you deserve.
I hope you'll agree that, when you consider the potential of your Mastermind to transform your experience of life and making a difference in the world, your monthly investment is well worth it.
Clare’s energy and enthusiasm helped me rekindle old dreams, especially the one that says I can have a lot of fun earning a living helping others in unlimited ways.
Her process illuminated what I wanted in business and why, and then actually laid out how to get there. I got to feel how vitally important inner work really is as the basis for professional success. The biggest change is in me—learning to trust what I know. Talk about results!
Clare Josa
Author Of Dare To Dream Bigger
About Clare Josa
As an NLP Trainer, Meditation & Yoga Teacher and a reformed Engineer, Clare Josa demystifies Ancient Wisdom, blending it with the best of practical psychology and an engineer's no-BS common sense. Her inspirational strategies are simple to apply and make it surprisingly easy for you to ditch your hidden blocks.
Clare has been a Mentor to passionate World-Changers since 2002 and is the author of five life-changing books, including her most recent: Dare To Dream Bigger - The 'Inside Work' Handbook For Entrepreneurs And Passionate World-Changers.
A member of the UK's Institute of Directors, she speaks internationally on the 'inside work' that makes the critical difference to your success.
Making a difference in the world doesn't have to be a long, hard, lonely slog.
Your chosen path can feel lonely, especially if your friends and loved-ones don't understand your journey.
But you don’t have to do it on your own. The support, motivation, inspiration and accountability you get with Dare To Dream Bigger Deep Dive Mastermind gives you back your Tribe, keeps you connected, and puts the fun back into your dreams.
But Mastermind Membership isn't for everyone.
The Dare To Dream Bigger Mastermind is for people who are ready to take responsibility for their results, who will put in the time and effort, and who are prepared to step beyond their old comfort zones, every now and then.
But don't worry, we'll be there to hold your hand and cheer you on!
We don't care about what you do for a living; we're excited about who you are.
This Mastermind is for action-takers, on a mission to make a difference in the world, hungry to get their message out there, but sometimes secretly scared about stepping up to the next level.
It doesn't matter to us whether you're a yoga teacher, or a coach, or a financial adviser, or running a store, or a therapist, or a dentist, or an artist, or an author, or a designer, or a counsellor, or a real estate agent, or a personal trainer, or whatever else your heart is calling you to be.
What we care about is that you want to make a positive difference in the world, and that you're excited at the idea of getting to help others to do that, too.
Is Dare To Dream Bigger Deep Dive Mastermind Right For You?
You're Likely To Love It
Are you hungry to create change in the world? And already working on it?
Do you want to spread a wave of positive action and compassionate empowerment, in whatever you do?
Are you pretty clear about your mission, and have already made a start, but would love more clarity?
Do you find your inner silent saboteurs keep you stuck, throwing away your chances of success, right before the breakthrough?
Have you been there, done it and got the t-shirt, but you’re still not achieving the success you dream of? But there's no way you're giving up!
Then the Dare To Dream Bigger Deep Dive Mastermind is right up your street. You’d be a great fit for our Tribe. Grab your place and get started now.
Probably Not For You
When things go wrong, do you look for people or circumstance to blame?
Do you love buying courses, but find out they just hang around on your hard drive?
Are you still at the 'nice ideas' stage with your business dreams, and not really ready to commit?
Are you full of ideas but reluctant to take action?
Do you need to be spoon-fed the 'ideal formula' for success, for you to 'copy and paste', rather than using building blocks to gain insights and create your own success blueprint?
Sorry… You probably wouldn’t enjoy this Mastermind – and that’s fine. Much better that we figure it out now. I hope you find what you’re looking for very soon. xx Clare
Here are some frequently asked questions. If yours isn't answered here, please contact my team for help.
What if I'm not on Facebook?
No problem! The meaty discussions behind the live Masterclasses and training courses take place in my Google-proof forum, not on Facebook.
And you'll find out about each week's events via email.
Do I have to be running a business?
Yes please! This programme is for people stepping up to the next level. If you're just starting out, at the 'ideas' stage, it will be too advanced for you.
But your business doesn't have to be full time. In fact, moving from 'hobby' to 'salary-paying business' is one of the major reasons why people love Masterminding with me.
How do I join in with the live events?
All you need is a half-decent internet connection. All sessions are run via the internet and you'll get a unique link to click, to join us 'in the room'. You can ask questions in advance, by email or via our online community events page, or via the live chat, while we're on air.
You can also download the video and audio replays, so you can watch them offline, perhaps in your favourite cafe? ;-)
The live Q&A calls include hot seat sessions for those who have submitted questions in advance (first come, first served). You can join in via the internet and ask questions live.
What if I miss a call?
For both the video training sessions and the live Q&A calls, you can submit your questions in advance and I'll do my best to cover them.
As a Mastermind member, you also get access to the replays and you get both the video and audio of the call or Masterclass to download and watch offline.
How long do I have to go through each course?
There's no rush!
You have access to the recordings of your training and live calls for the full year of 2018.
P.S. Only you can decide if the Dare To Dream Bigger Deep Dive Mastermind is right for you.
But if you have any questions that are getting in the way of you saying 'yes!' to the future you have been dreaming of, then please do get in touch. I don't want you to risk missing out, just because something isn't clear or you're not sure how it might work for you. xx Clare
No one teaches you how to handle grief at Christmas after losing a loved-one.
The recent Twitter storm about triggers for grief at Christmas made it clear how many of us struggle to feel festive at this time of year, how close the pain of loss is to the surface. But it’s not something we talk about. Social media is silent, apart from the occasional ‘miss you, Mum’ post on the big day.
As I head into my second Christmas without my Mum, the pain is triggered by the number of times a day I suddenly remember she has gone. The huge waves of grief from those early months have subsided. But it still shocks me how often I forget she’s not there any more. Daily. Silly things act as triggers:
Seeing a gift she might love and suddenly remembering I can’t give it to her
Seeing a Christmas advert and wanting to call her, to laugh about how corny it is, then realising I can’t
The silly things the kinds say in the run-up to Christmas that I know would make her laugh
How excited my kids get when they find their Christmas stockings in the box of decorations
My six year old insisting on counting backwards on his Advent calendar doors, so he can tell how many ‘sleeps’ are left until Christmas (very sensible idea)
The school plays she’ll never see – and wanting to text her photos of her grandsons in them
We each have our own list. And the one thing most of us have in common is the belief that we have to go through this silently, without letting anyone in.
Putting up the decorations proved too much for me last night. “I’ll never see Mum’s Christmas tree again!” was a thought that got me sobbing, in front of the kids, right when we should have been listening to carols and filling the house with joy as we put up our own tree.
And I got a double whammy this year. Over the summer I was writing my first novel, You Take Yourself With You, and the lead male character (Christof) was experiencing his first Christmas without his Dad, who had died in a car crash that he survived. Writing about Christof’s experiences of ‘the first xyz, since…’ shone light on my own grief and made me explore my own healing process. Developing the story of how he coped made me contrast my character’s strategies with my own.
Last year – our first Christmas without Mum, who was always the life and soul of the festival – I managed to break with tradition and go to someone’s house who had never hosted our Christmas. It really helped. This year will be the first Christmas I have hosted without Mum there – and without my Dad, who will be with his new wife’s family for their first Christmas after getting married.
The thing is, I made a promise to myself after Mum died that I would stop the many ways we ‘pretend’ in life. I would allow my social media feed to show the less-beautiful stuff, as well as the happy stuff. I would let people know if I didn’t feel up to something. I would talk openly about the emotions I was feeling around losing Mum. And working through the tsunamis of pain that would often overwhelmed me at first, I developed some tools that really helped me to move through them, rather than pretending they weren’t there.
And when I stopped fighting the emotions and allowed them to wash through me, I felt the relief afterwards – the closure – the letting go – in a way that would have been impossible had I carried on pretending, storing those painful experiences up for a future date when they would catch me unawares.
Here are three strategies that helped me to handle the grief and loss – and how I’ll be using them this Christmas:
1. Accept
I can’t change the past and I can’t easily change my subconscious emotional response to it. As Carl Jung said, “what you resist persists.” If you fight the emotions and push them down, they will find a way to get you, later. If you allow yourself to experience them, without diving in to the drama, they pass on through more quickly than you might think.
When I was studying to become a meditation teacher, a wise old Buddhist monk once told me that any emotion, left to its own devices, would pass on through in under sixty seconds. At the time, I was far from grateful to him for this wisdom. I was convinced that negative emotions were justified in lasting for the hours, days and even months they managed in my life. But now I can see he was right. The pain I felt was caused more by the stories I was telling myself than by the emotions themselves, which were nothing more than a chemical reaction in my body.
When emotions come up, it’s natural to tense up and hold your breath. But that triggers your body’s sympathetic nervous system – your fight / flight / freeze response – firing off your stress hormones and feeding the painful emotions with negative thoughts.
The simple act of breathing, deeply and mindfully, can reset this cascade of hormones, giving you access to more neutral thoughts and emotions, allowing the grief to pass on through. When you know how to go straight through the middle and come out the other side, you no longer have to avoid; to pretend; to white-wash.
If you’re not sure how to do this, there’s a guided meditation that takes you through it here. I will be using exactly this technique to get grounded and let go of those emotions, as we go through Christmas this year.
3. Choose
The real work in handling grief at Christmas comes before the big day. The more you can work with techniques such as mindfulness or gratitude to retrain your mind to think thoughts that make you feel good, on a day-to-day basis, the easier it is to bounce back from difficult emotions.
And I have been doing this by turning painful memories round. I allow myself to experience them – for example, the fact that I won’t ever see Mum’s Christmas tree again – and then I will turn them into gratitude: “I am grateful that I had so many years of seeing how much Mum
I hope these three strategies help you this Christmas. Let me know if you have any tips of your own, via the comments.
And, above all, if you find the festive season difficult, please make sure you let people help you. Talk to them about how you’re feeling. You don’t have to do this on your own. Allowing them to walk by your side could be the greatest Christmas gift ever, for both of you.
With love,
Clare Josa’s new novel – You Take Yourself With You – has been described as ‘unputdownable’ by readers and is available in-store and online.
Resources:
