difficult people Archives

Are They Bugging You? Why It’s Time To Dust Off Your Mirror Ball.

Do you ever find yourself stuck in situations where people are angry or criticising? Or behaving in ways you would prefer they didn’t? It can be hard to get through this, without shutting down.

So today I’d like to share with you a technique that has helped me – and those I have taught it to – many times over the years.

It’s time to dust off your disco dancing mirror ball.

Time to dust off your disco dancing mirror ball?

Here’s a highly effective technique to help you get through those sticky situations, unscathed:

Remember those disco dancing mirror balls – all shiny and reflecting light in every direction? Imagine you are standing inside one. Obviously it’s a virtual one, or you’d find it pretty hard to get out of the front door, or into your car…
This one is slightly different to those from the seventies – it has mirrors on the inside, as well as the outside.
As you go through your day, you might like to set the following intention:
Only that which is true and kind or is meant for my growth can pass through the mirrors to reach me. Everything else is reflected back to the sender.
Only that which is true and kind can leave this mirror ball. Everything else is reflected back at me.
Only those messages and behaviours which are really meant for you can get through. And you are setting the intention to behave with compassion, throughout your day.

It’s surprising how effectively your unconscious mind will react to this intention. It quickly gets the hang of the game, reminding you to check whether an unkind remark was really meant for you, before you react. It allows you to clearly see the ways we tend to retaliate, on auto-pilot, giving you back your freedom of choice.

I am often surprised by how safe and protected I feel, within that virtual mirror ball. It can set us free to act more authentically, rather than behaving the way we think the other person wants us to behave. And that is life-changing.

Not bad for such a simple technique?

Had a chance to play with it? How did you get on? What did you notice?
Please feel free to share, via the comments box!

Wishing you sunshine and laughter,
Namaste,

Want To Know How To Set Yourself Free From Their Annoying Behaviour?

How To Change Your Life

Would you like to be able to move towards feeling more compassionate, rather than angry, towards that person?

Would it be useful to be able to quickly turn things around, when you feel your blood pressure rising because that co-worker, friend, family member or acquaintance is behaving ‘that way’ again?

Here’s the question that I try to remember to use, when someone is really bugging me – and it works:

What might be true in their world, for them to believe this behaviour is acceptable?

This isn’t about mind-reading or pretending we know what’s going on inside someone else’s head. It’s about trying to imagine the world from the other person’s viewpoint, to try to make sense of their behaviour. When we can do that, it is much easier to let go of the drama and to set ourselves free from the painful dance of reacting on auto-pilot, often making things worse.

So, thinking about someone whose behaviour is less than great, what might be going on in their world, right now? I’m not talking about the ‘story’, I’m talking about what they might have to believe, in order to behave this way. What might they be feeling scared of? Are they trying to protect themselves? Which unmet need is screaming for attention, through their actions?

At first, it can be hard to get your head around all this. But of you play with this technique for minor irritations, it quickly becomes a habitual way of turning your responses around, when someone behaves unkindly.

Remember that all criticism is borne of someone elses’s pain? Similarly, all unkind behaviour comes from a part of that person that is hurting. Happy people don’t lash out.

Being able to separate the actions from the actor is a key step towards setting yourself free. Being able to respond from a place of compassion, even if your gut response was anger, can transform your experience of life. And, of course, we can also apply this question to ourselves, if we have a habitual way of behaving that we want to deal with.

By uncovering the possible fears and beliefs behind the actions, we can start to see what’s ‘real’ and what’s ‘drama’, setting ourselves free to choose a happier outcome.

I’d love to hear how you get on, if you get a chance to play with this today.

Wishing you sunshine and laughter,
Namaste,
Clare

Be Careful Who You’re Letting Rent Space In Your Head

How To Change Your Life

I had a useful reminder of this one recently.

Watch out who you’re letting rent the space in your head. It’s ok to evict any tenant who’s dragging you down.

I’m normally pretty good at being able to keep other people’s ‘stuff’ out of my ‘head-rent-space’. But there’s been a situation over the past week where I’m having to deal with someone who is feeling very stressed and pretty sad – and I’ve been letting them pass it on to me.

How did I spot it?

Because I was spending a lot of my spare time thinking and talking about that person and their behaviour and – here’s the crunch – I was feeling irritated and stressed, whenever I thought about the situation. My Monkey Mind’s story machine was in overdrive.

I was letting them live in my head, rent-free, and was letting their issues impact the way I was feeling.

It’s a surprisingly common problem.
It can lead to stress and worry, with a massive dollop of negative thinking and generally feeling bad.

What can you do, when someone else is camping out in your head?

Let go of the story!

Here’s a quick – but highly effective – 3-step action plan:

Ask yourself (very honestly!): what’s true in this – and what’s drama? Let go of everything that’s drama. It will feel better – instantly – especially if you do this from a place of compassion, rather than anger. (Remember: all criticism is borne of someone else’s pain)
Ask yourself: do I need to take any specific action to improve this situation? If yes, do it. If no, let go and move on.
Each time that person pops back into your head space, lovingly remind yourself that you have chosen not to play that game any more and think of something else. If you find that hard, you can always experiment with the ‘cutting old ties‘ exercise.

It’s not about rejecting the other person.

It is about setting clear boundaries (with yourself!) and accepting responsibility for the fact that who and what you let hang around in your head will impact your exoerience of life – and we always have choice.

I’m curious: is there anything going on for you where this might help today?

When you experiment with this, you’ll notice you end up with a wonderful sense of relief, when the job is done.

Wishing you a day full of sunshine and laughter.
Namaste,
Clare

This article is an excerpt from The Little Book Of Daily Sunshine by Clare Josa.

Whose Pain Is It Anyway?

Inspirational Messages

“All criticism is borne of someone else’s pain.”
Native American Indian saying

Sometimes people do stuff that’s really unacceptable.

Yes, there’s a sliding scale so ‘unacceptable’, but it’s still not ok.

It’s our tendency to retaliate in some way – perhaps by behaving unkindly or even doing something nasty to them. It’s easy to hold resentments and grudges and to allow those to colour our exoerience of relating with that person. We can direct all sorts of painful emotions towards them and even stay awake half the night, replaying the movie of how terrible their actions were.

But there’s a difference between the person and their actions – a person is not their behaviour.

The behaviour – the actions – are the outwards appearance of the person. What is deep down inside, the essence of that person, is different from their actions. At some level, they are running the same kinds of auto-pilot responses that we do. At some level, they just want to be happy, just like us.

Deep down, most people (no matter how bad their behaviour) are just muddling their way through life, without much of an instruction manual, just like us. Their choices about their behaviour might be pants, but that doesn’t make them a bad person – any more than it would make us a bad person, when we make bad choices.

So there is a difference between the person and their behaviour – the actor and the actions.

Like actors in a play, what we show the outside world isn’t necessarily the truth of who we really are, but is a script – a series of behaviours – that can change.

When we remember that, we can set ourselves free from much of the pain. We create a space between their action and our response, which can allow us to choose a response for the long-term higher good, rather than short-term retaliation.

It’s a challenging mindset shift, but it gives you back your personal power and helps you to be less impacted by others’ actions.

And it’s the key to cultivating compassion, if that’s what you choose to do.

Namaste,
Clare

P.S. I really hope this article has helped you. It’s a bonus article from my ‘Let Your Light Shine‘ programme.

If you have been on the receiving end of someone’s criticism, or if you’re keeping yourself stuck dreaming big, but playing small, then it’s time for you to Let Your Light Shine.

This is a beautiful 5 day online course to help you set yourself free from the fear of ‘Haters’ and ‘Trolls’, so you can get on with making a difference in the world. With a smile on your face! xx Clare

A 60 Second Magic Wand For When Someone Is Annoying You

How To Change Your Life

Today I’d like to share with you a powerful technique that can help you to move past the annoying habits someone has, to reconnect with them, at a deeper level.

This technique isn’t for everyone. Those who are still stuck in blaming other people for making them angry or insisting that all the bad stuff in their life is someone else’s fault won’t like or want to do this.

But if you’re open to the idea of allowing a deeper sense of connection into your experience of life, setting yourself free from other people’s drama, then you might like to play with this.

It is a beautifully effective way of shifting your experience of life.

Ready?
The next time someone is annoying you, you might like to play with this. I suggest you experiment with minor annoyances, before you try biggies, to get the hang of it.

Want A 60 Second Magic Wand

Hi %%FIRST_NAME%%!
You get to read the juicy bit of this article because you’re a Soul-Sized Living Member 🙂
Namaste,

Take a ‘snapshot’, before you start: how are you feeling? What are you thinking? Where is the tension in your body? How do you currently want to behave towards that other person?
No matter how you are feeling, think three genuinely kind thoughts about the person who has been annoying you. You can do it. It might be a stretch, but you can find three kind things to think, even if it’s just something trivial, at first. (The more you practise this, the easier it is).
Take another snapshot, as before. What has changed?
Now think about how you would like to respond or behave towards that other person? Notice how it has shifted?
If it still needs to shift some more, remind yourself that, whilst their behaviour might be unacceptable, the person underneath is still a human being, with the same kinds of fears and painful baggage as the rest of us. Then think three more kind thoughts.

Can you see how this can turn things around? And it doesn’t need to take more than a minute.

Can you imagine using it in business meetings? During a family argument? Or even when talking to yourself? 😉

Even if it doesn’t change the other person’s behaviour, it will shift your experience of interacting with them. And it will make it less likely that they will get their desired response from you – so their behaviour is more likely to change,

I’d love to hear how you get on with this technique.
Perhaps you already have a variant of it that you like to use?

If you enjoyed this post, you might want to check out our other articles on all aspects of gratitude. You could even start a gratitude jar or perhaps a gratitude journal.

Enjoy!
With love,