I had a fun (not!) reminder this weekend of how it’s best to take action when doors are open, rather than hammering on them, when they’re locked. Yet it’s a habit that so many of us have. Find out what you should – and shouldn’t – be doing, when it feels like those doors are closed.
Are You Running From A Mountain-Sized Molehill?
Today’s Daily Sunshine message is all about those situations, conflicts, tasks and even thoughts that we would do anything to avoid. We all have them. Some are brushed under the metaphorical carpet; others are hidden in cupboards or locked out of site. But what they all have in common is the effort and required to keep resisting them and the low-level (or sometimes high level) stress they cause.
“If you run from that thing that makes you feel uncomfortable, it will still catch up with you. But if you take a deep breath, then turn and face it, you’ll find it is much smaller than you thought it was.”
To help illustrate this, I’d like to share a personal experience with you.
I remember, years ago, when my middle son was just nine months old, feeling utterly exhausted by the fact he had such a high need for being held. I couldn’t get anything done on my own. Even cooking or washing up, I had to learn to do with him on one hip. Everywhere I went, he crawled behind me, crying, until I picked him up. It might sound silly to those who haven’t been there, but I was near breaking point.
Then, one day, a very wise friend said something that nearly earned her a wet kipper in the face:
“He’s going to keep shouting more loudly until you stop running away from him.”
“But I’m there for him, 24 hours a day! I give constantly! I have nothing left to give!”
Then I realised the truth. I was resisting, fighting and wishing the situation could be different. I was giving the stresses of having a baby who needed lots of extra cuddles free rent in my head space, thinking about it most of the time and making the situation feel so much worse than it actually was. My Monkey Mind’s stories were making things feel terrible.
Then, one day, I stopped fighting it.
I went back to my old mantra, courtesy of the Dalai Lama – “This too will pass.”
I stopped running away from the situation and turned to face it, admittedly with a sense of not-very-gracious acceptance, but with acceptance, nonetheless.
And – you guessed it – things improved – fast.
Not only did the Monkey Mind’s stories lose their power, nearly instantly, but my inner drama disappeared and, miraculously (and predictably!), as my responses changed, so too did my baby’s behaviour.
That which I had been running from turned out to be nowhere near as bad as I had been imagining.
It was such a relief.
When we run from the molehill, it becomes the size of a mountain. When we turn to face it, we regain perspective that cuts it back down to size.
Things are rarely as bad as the stories our Monkey Mind tells us.
Is there a situation for you at the moment where you might be running away from a molehill-sized mountain? Just imagine how you could set yourself free from all that old stress and fear, if you were to take a deep breath and decide, just for this moment, that you are going to stop running and deal with it?
If you’d like to share your thoughts on this, there’s a special discussion thread over at the Soul-Sized Living forum. We’d love to see you there.
Are They Bugging You? Why It’s Time To Dust Off Your Mirror Ball.
Do you ever find yourself stuck in situations where people are angry or criticising? Or behaving in ways you would prefer they didn’t? It can be hard to get through this, without shutting down.
So today I’d like to share with you a technique that has helped me – and those I have taught it to – many times over the years.
It’s time to dust off your disco dancing mirror ball.
Here’s a highly effective technique to help you get through those sticky situations, unscathed:
- Remember those disco dancing mirror balls – all shiny and reflecting light in every direction? Imagine you are standing inside one. Obviously it’s a virtual one, or you’d find it pretty hard to get out of the front door, or into your car…
This one is slightly different to those from the seventies – it has mirrors on the inside, as well as the outside. - As you go through your day, you might like to set the following intention:
Only that which is true and kind or is meant for my growth can pass through the mirrors to reach me. Everything else is reflected back to the sender. - Only that which is true and kind can leave this mirror ball. Everything else is reflected back at me.
Only those messages and behaviours which are really meant for you can get through. And you are setting the intention to behave with compassion, throughout your day.
It’s surprising how effectively your unconscious mind will react to this intention. It quickly gets the hang of the game, reminding you to check whether an unkind remark was really meant for you, before you react. It allows you to clearly see the ways we tend to retaliate, on auto-pilot, giving you back your freedom of choice.
I am often surprised by how safe and protected I feel, within that virtual mirror ball. It can set us free to act more authentically, rather than behaving the way we think the other person wants us to behave. And that is life-changing.
Not bad for such a simple technique?
Had a chance to play with it? How did you get on? What did you notice?
Please feel free to share, via the comments box!
Wishing you sunshine and laughter,
Namaste,
Want To Know How To Set Yourself Free From Their Annoying Behaviour?
Would you like to be able to move towards feeling more compassionate, rather than angry, towards that person?
Would it be useful to be able to quickly turn things around, when you feel your blood pressure rising because that co-worker, friend, family member or acquaintance is behaving ‘that way’ again?
Here’s the question that I try to remember to use, when someone is really bugging me – and it works:
What might be true in their world, for them to believe this behaviour is acceptable?
This isn’t about mind-reading or pretending we know what’s going on inside someone else’s head. It’s about trying to imagine the world from the other person’s viewpoint, to try to make sense of their behaviour. When we can do that, it is much easier to let go of the drama and to set ourselves free from the painful dance of reacting on auto-pilot, often making things worse.
So, thinking about someone whose behaviour is less than great, what might be going on in their world, right now? I’m not talking about the ‘story’, I’m talking about what they might have to believe, in order to behave this way. What might they be feeling scared of? Are they trying to protect themselves? Which unmet need is screaming for attention, through their actions?
At first, it can be hard to get your head around all this. But of you play with this technique for minor irritations, it quickly becomes a habitual way of turning your responses around, when someone behaves unkindly.
Remember that all criticism is borne of someone elses’s pain? Similarly, all unkind behaviour comes from a part of that person that is hurting. Happy people don’t lash out.
Being able to separate the actions from the actor is a key step towards setting yourself free. Being able to respond from a place of compassion, even if your gut response was anger, can transform your experience of life. And, of course, we can also apply this question to ourselves, if we have a habitual way of behaving that we want to deal with.
By uncovering the possible fears and beliefs behind the actions, we can start to see what’s ‘real’ and what’s ‘drama’, setting ourselves free to choose a happier outcome.
I’d love to hear how you get on, if you get a chance to play with this today.
Wishing you sunshine and laughter,
Namaste,
Clare
It’s Not Really Meant For You… Or Is It?
That person who is bugging the wotsits out of you? It’s very unlikely that they’re deliberately trying to annoy you.
Ok, I have to concede that some people – very rarely – do get a kick out of annoying a particular person. But that’s usually the realm of stalkers and those with clinical psychological problems.
The rest of the time, it’s not really about us.
Even someone who is going out of their way to annoy you (or so it seems) is usually simply too caught up in their own ‘stuff’ to notice the impact of their behaviour.
We have all done it, to some extent: lashing out at the next person who crosses our path, because we needed some kind of release of pent-up stress, frustration or whichever other emotion was hanging around.
Sometimes we find ourselves caught in a situation where someone is regularly behaving in a way that is unacceptable. Even then, it is still unlikely to be about us – unless we are behaving unacceptably in return. It is much more likely that the other person is acting from some deep inner pain and has got into the habit of directing it at one person, because they get some kind of secondary gain – some kind of ‘reward’ from it.
What can we do?
Ideally, before we go into the situation with guns blazing, we need to have an honest look in the mirror and check whether we are stuck in the drama created by our Monkey Mind. We need to ask ourselves what is ‘real’ about the situation.
Then it’s about setting boundaries. We need to choose how we respond, so we don’t fuel the situation. We need to accept that we can’t change the other person – we can’t force them to play nicely – we can only change the way we respond, inside our mind and in the outside world.
Even if someone’s behaviour is unacceptable, we can still choose to feel compassionate towards the person.
Though it can feel tough.
Tomorrow we’ll be talking about the question you can ask yourself that can open the doors to feeling more compassionate. And on Thursday we’ll be covering a technique that allows you to filter out what’s for you and what’s not. On Friday we’ll be looking at a simple exercise you can do, which has the power to release you from the other person’s drama, to reconnect with feeling good about things.
But for today, please remember, it’s probably not about you. 🙂
Wishing you sunshine and laughter,
Namaste,
Clare
P.S. If this is an issue for you, I cover it in detail – with all of my hottest insider secret solutions – in weeks 11, 12 and 13 of Living From Your Heart. It might be worth you considering joining us. It would be an honour to share the journey with you. xx
Five Things You Need To Know About Meditating On A Chair
Our typical image of someone meditating is of a person sitting on the floor, with their legs twisted into a pretzel shape, with a faux-serene look on their face, disguising the inner agony.
Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be that way!
Good posture is the key to both comfortable meditation and also staying awake during your meditation.
When I run my face-to-face classes for beginners, we bust the meditation posture myth by starting off on chairs. There are several reasons for this: [Read more…] about Five Things You Need To Know About Meditating On A Chair