Are You Building Conversational Bridges Or Fences?

Two little words.

One builds bridges.
The other builds fences.

Yet few of us are even aware of them.

And, to make things worse, most of us are building fences, without realising.

Is it time to break the habit and make sure your communication is building bridges, instead?

Let’s try it on for size:

“I really love your ideas, but we need to think about how we could make them work in practice.”
or…
“I really love your ideas and we need to think about how we could make them work in practice.”

Notice the difference? How did the two versions make you feel?

The difference is tiny – ‘and’ versus ‘but’.

What’s the problem with ‘but’?

A ‘but’ completely negates and undermines the first half of the message. It can leave us not trusting what was previously said.

‘But’ can leave the other person feel like you don’t value what they said and have, perhaps, even dismissed their opinion.

Also, we’re hard-wired to expect bad news after a ‘but’. We’ve all been there:

“Your presentation was great, but…”

“I really liked the main course, but…”

“You played that piece well, but…”

It’s as though we’re trained to expect (or just fear) criticism, once we hear the word ‘but’. So using it, innocently, when that’s not our intention can backfire. It instantly makes the listener defensive and – in the worst case scenario – can even make them switch off and stop hearing what we’re saying.

What can we do instead?
The easiest way to get out of the ‘but’ trap is to use the word ‘and’ instead.

Want to try it on for size?

“Your presentation was great and…”

“I really liked the main course and…”

“You played that piece well and…”

Notice how, after hearing ‘and’, we’re almost expecting more positive feedback? It completely changes the tone of the communication dance.

How about trying it out for a day, swapping ‘but’ for ‘and’? It won’t take long to notice how much more positive a response you get.

Warning: this simple change could dramatically improve your relationships!

Top 3 Manifesting Mistakes And How To Avoid Them

Inspirational Messages

When it comes to creating the life of our dreams, there are 3 simple mistakes that most of us are making. Yet these can completely scupper our plans, making it nigh on impossible for what we dream of to arrive.

In fact, when it comes to manifesting, our job is simple. Just do the opposite of what most of us are doing!

Here are the 3 simple mistakes and what you can do instead.

Hanging on to what you’ve got
It’s a basic fact of manifesting – Law Of Attraction – that the Universe needs a vacuum to fill. If you’ve already got too much stuff, it’s tough for more to enter your life. Similarly, if you’re so scared that you’ll run out, you can end up hoarding. Then you’re sending out the message of fear of lack and so you’ll be getting lack. It becomes a vicious circle.

What can you do instead?

Keep the energy flowing.
Blocked or stagnant energy can completely prevent you from attracting new abundance into your life.

Every time you get a chance, have a clear-out. Go through your closet and be ruthless, giving away EVERYTHING that you don’t wear any more or that doesn’t make you look great.

Declutter your home. If you don’t seriously love having something around – no matter who gave it to you or how much it cost – give it to someone else who will love it. Otherwise you’re sending out the message big time that you’re happy to settle for being surrounded by stuff you don’t like. And guess what that will bring you more of…

Get spending. Let your money flow. Have you been getting freaked out about money? Desperate to build up your savings, to the extent of putting off, say, essential repairs or doing jobs yourself that you’re not enjoying? Then you’re not only telling the Universe that you’re scared you won’t have enough money, but you’re also telling it you’re cutting back, so you need less. No one is saying you should be reckless, but it’s essential to be honest with yourself and see whether the emotion behind saving and holding onto stuff is fear-based.
By creating the space, you’ll automatically attract more of what you really want.
.
Trying To Stay In Control
Trying to control how things come into your life – how your dreams become reality – is a great way to miss all of the open doors and really slow things down. If we’re too busy expecting things to be done our way, then we won’t spot the signs and will completely miss the sychronicities and signposts that the Universe has ligned up for us. It’s like programming your satellite navigation system but then ignoring every direction it’s giving you.

What can you do instead?

Get out of the way!
Instead of making your job to ‘project manage’ how your dreams are manifested, make it your job to spot the signs along the route. Not only is this less stressful, it’s also faster and what comes your way will be bigger and better. You’re no longer restricting the Universe by insisting on ideas that your conscious mind has thought of.
.
Not being clear about what you want
So often we don’t get what we wanted because we didn’t hold a crystal clear vision of what it was we were asking for. It’s like a kid asking for a bike at Christmas and then being disappointed because it was a tricycle instead of a motorbike.

What can you do instead?
Be explicit about what you want. Choose it consciously, not by accident. And be aware of how you will feel when you get it – and feel that way now. It isn’t about saying your dream home has to have a pink front door and roses growing up the fence – though it might have these. Manifesting is about getting the essence of your desire. That’s why it’s so important to know what has motivated you to want something and experience what it will feel like, once you’ve got it.

Otherwise you’re just being vague – and you’ll get pot luck results.

Imagine you were going on holiday. You would make sure you knew where your destination was. If you were driving on the motorway, you would watch out for every sign that mentioned your destination, and follow those signs. And, even if you took the long way round, you would still get to where you wanted to go. You wouldn’t just set out, not sure where you were heading, and get distracted by every potentially interesting sign, asking yourself whether it might be taking you in the right direction : “Maybe that’ll take me where I want to go. I wonder where that might be?”

Clarity and focus are essential for manifesting.

The 3 Golden Rules Of Manifesting

Let things flow – give up hoarding
Let the Universe show you the way
Be clear about what you want and stay focussed on that – and that alone.

Does Giving Up Coffee Make You Happier?

How To Change Your Life

I was famous for my coffee habit. We’re talking 20 mile detours in the Rocky Mountains to get a latte and taking a stove-top espresso machine camping.

And I was famous for how good my coffee was – freshly ground organic Colombian beans, brewed just right, with no one refusing a second mug.

It was safe to say I love the stuff.

Then, a while ago, I decided to do something silly – give up coffee. Why? To see what would happen and whether giving up coffee would make me feel happier.

I expected the initial withdrawal symptoms – caffeine headaches and energy slumps, plus the usual detox symptoms. But after that I had hoped my energy levels would bounce back and I’d start feeling healthier, happier and generally better for being off the stuff.

The thing is that it didn’t quite work out that way!

I managed to avoid most of the detox symptoms by drinking lots of water and fresh juices, but the energy slump went on and on and the negative impact on my mood was unexpected.

I had read plenty of research that says caffeine (and other coffee ingredients) can be bad for your mood.

For me, it was the other way round.

Absence of coffee was bad for my mood.

The coffee cravings took a full 6 weeks to go – and I didn’t even cheat a teeny bit.

And for most of that time, I felt grumpy and miserable, because I was denying myself something I really loved.

“Go back on the coffee, then!” I hear you cry.

It’s not as simple as that. Coffee was an addiction for me. But my need for it wasn’t physical, it was psychological.

Coffee was tied into an emotional need – like a “badge of honour” whenever things were stressful.

The thing is:
“If we want to break a habit, it’s essential to look at why we had the habit in the first place, not just what the habit is.”

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We have to deal with the need that the habit was satisfying, otherwise we’re just entering into a battle of willpower. And, chances are, the need will resurface with a new addiction to a different substance or behaviour.

Once you have worked that out – and dealt with it – then the habit will naturally fall away. Then you’re free to choose.

And feeling free is a vital pivot point on your journey towards feeling happier.

There’s more on coffee and other foods that can wreck your mood in my book “How To Be Happy“. In it, I share 5 Insider Secrets that you can use – today – to feel happier, fast.

I’m currently giving it away free to members of my gorgeous Soul-Sized Living Tribe, but I’m not sure how long I’ll be doing this for.

So if you’d like to grab your copy, register (free!) today. xx

Want Some ‘How-To’ Inspiration?

Here’s a video from my Soul-Sized Wednesdays Q&A series that helps you out with the whole ‘secondary gain’ thing. In it, I share with you a fabulously effective and amazingly easy strategy you can use to make change stick – whatever you are looking to shift in your life. All in about 5 minutes. You won’t want to miss it:

Enjoy!

And when you have watched it, I’d love to hear how you get on with this technique ~ via the comments box below.

How about letting me know which change you most want to make right now?

And perhaps how you are going to use the techniques in this video to help?

And what your first steps are going to be?

Share The Love!

And, if this video helps you, please share it far and wide through your Facebook and Twitter and Google+ networks. 🙂 Big Love! Mwah!

With love, Namaste,

P.S. If you’d like to make sure you catch each new episode of Soul-Sized Wednesdays, how about signing up for my weekly Soul-Sized Living updates? It’s free!

An Emotional Rollercoaster: 7 Musings On Motherhood

Inspirational Messages

If there’s only one truth about becoming a mum, it’s that it changes your life – forever.

The ante-natal classes just don’t do justice to that fact. They talk about lack of sleep, changing nappies and how to “burp” your baby, but rarely do they mention the highs and lows, the tough bits and the amazing bits of motherhood.

So, after a mere 4 years of being on this particular rollercoaster, here are 7 musings on motherhood – and how to feel happier while you’re at it!

7 Survival Tips – How To Beat The Monday Morning Blues

How To Change Your Life

“Tell me why I don’t like Mondays…”

We all know the feeling: after a great weekend, the alarm goes off and realisation dawns: it’s Monday morning. Again.

For many of us, it can trigger a sinking feeling of dread, as we take a deep breath and dive into another week.

It can go on for years, feeling stuck in a rut and unable to change anything.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Here are 7 survival tips to help you beat the Monday Morning Blues. [Read more…] about 7 Survival Tips – How To Beat The Monday Morning Blues

Are You Too Much Of A Historian?

Inspirational Messages

When it comes to planning the future, most of us are historians.

We all know how it works.

“How are you?”

“Oh, you know… It was a tough weekend and then I had some really tricky stuff to do at work this week and my boss is always a nightmare, so I guess I’m pretty tired.”

It starts with little things. Someone asks us how we are and the answer we actually give is how we have been, not how we are now. What’s wrong with that? It keeps us in the cycle of how things used to be, throwing away any chance of changing them.

We “tell it how it is” – or even worse – “tell it how it was”.

And then we build in another layer – I call it the “I’ll feel happy when…” syndrome.

“I’ll feel happy when I get the job / relationship / payrise / car / home…”

It’s like happiness is a job we’re always putting off to some unspecified time in the future.

We find ourselves repeating the same patterns of behaviour, the same relationship cycles, the same mistakes.

When we worry about how the future might be, based on how the past was, we’re potentially throwing away any chance to make things different next time. We’re experts on our past – historians, analysing where it all went wrong. But that can keep us trapped with things we can’t change, missing out on the chance to steer things in a new direction.

“Worrying is a way of creating a future you don’t really want.”

The problem is simple:

Most of us are too busy being historians to deliberately plan and create our future.

Imagine a life where we actually learn from the past, history doesn’t repeat itself and we move towards our dreams? Imagine finding yourself where you want to be, more often than where you used to be?

Seven Steps To Turning Things Around

Archives for April 2009

Absence of coffee was bad for my mood.

And feeling free is a vital pivot point on your journey towards feeling happier.

Want Some ‘How-To’ Inspiration?

Share The Love!