September 2009

Why Are We So Scared Of Changing?

Have you ever wondered why so many of us go along putting up with things we don’t like about our life, but doing nothing about it?

You see it all the time.

“I hate my job,” says a friend, “but there’s nothing else out there.”

“I don’t really like this house, but I can’t afford to move.”

“My girlfriend and I aren’t really that happy any more, but I don’t want to break up with her.”

It seems to be an accepted fact that change is bad. Scary. Not to be done. We build change up into such a big thing that we become paralysed in its wake.

We build up watertight excuses and beliefs around that change, to stop us from having to take any action. We pretend the change is a huge mountain that we couldn’t possibly climb, so we turn our back on it.

So we go on, day becoming week becoming month and then year, putting up with things that make us feel miserable, forgetting what it felt like to have our heart sing, because that might require change.

But then there comes a day when something snaps and the scales tip. We realise we have to do something. We can’t leave things as they are. And we take steps to make that change.

When working with clients, it’s easy to spot those who are ready to change – and do – and those who aren’t yet ready – so won’t. And nowadays I can finally see it in myself, too. 😉 And no one can force you to be ready to change.

Change can’t happen until the pain of changing becomes less than the pain of staying the same.

Or, as Anasis Nin beautifullly puts it:

And the day came when the risk to remain a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anasis Nin

We build the fear of change into something of such great proportions that we numb out the pain of staying the same. We use all sorts of creative excuses and behaviours to pretend we don’t mind. We eat too much, drink too much, smoke, go out too much, get angry, drive too fast, exercise too much, even meditate too much – all trying to block out the pain of our reality, because we’re so scared of changing.

What Can We Do?

The first step towards being able to change is to understand what – specifically – we are scared of.
Writing down a list can help stop our inner critic from creating even more drama.
Then, for each item on your list, be really objective – is it “real” – or is it just the projection of a scared Ego-mind?
Usually we find that very little of it is real.
Once you have got your fears back under control, you can start looking at the excuses you’re using to avoid having to change.
They’re usually deeply-held beliefs that we picked up years ago, that protect us from ever having to get out of our comfort zone… Wayne Dyer has a great audio CD on how to let go of excuses that have been holding us back (a recording of a 2 day workshop), if you fancy some support on that one. Have to admit I’m still listening to this set in the car and finding it inspiring.
Then, it’s about deciding whether you really want the change. And, if you do, breaking it down into baby steps.
The Dalai Lama reminds us that if you stand really close to any problem in life, you can successfully make it look enormous. But if you step back and get things into perspective, it always looks smaller and more manageable.

Being scared of making a change is just our unconscious mind’s way of telling us the change is important to us, but outside of our comfort zone.

And yet nothing always stays the same. Change is an essential part of living and growing. Without it, we would stagnate. It’s being attached to the present and worrying about the future that makes it scary. And, deep down, we know we have a choice about both of those, don’t we?

What is there in your life, today, that you might be ready to change? And how could you take that first step? I’d love to hear your thoughts via the comments box.

Thank you!

Clare

Do You Need To De-Stress?

Inspirational Messages

Are you stressed out? Running around, doing too much, finding it hard to switch off?

If you’re finding it tough to relax but secretly know your body – and mind – are craving a refresh, you might like to try doing a deep relaxation.

“Just relax!” Easy to say. But how do you do it?

If your mind is racing, it can be really hard to relax and that’s why many people find it easier to work with a guided relaxation on CD or audio, so that someone else talks you through the relaxation process.

Did you know…?

Did you know that deep relaxation is best achieved by going through the body in a certain order and then working with the mind? There are specialist techniques you can use to achieve a relaxed, calm and de-stressed state quickly and easily.

Want An Expert To Guide You Through The Process?

Due to popular demand, we have now recorded one of our deep relaxations as an MP3 file for you to download. You can listen to it on your computer, your MP3 player or burn it to a CD and relax, whenever you want to.

It takes you, step by step, through a physical relaxation process, then a mind relaxation process, to help you get to a place of inner calm- no matter how stressed you are currently feeling.

In just 20 minutes, it will leave you feeling more relaxed, peaceful, less stressed and more energised.

You can listen to it at any point during the day – or last thing at night, before falling asleep. Just make sure you NEVER listen to it whilst driving or doing any other, obvious, activity during which being deeply relaxed might be a bad idea… Sorry – we have to mention that disclaimer!

Fact: doing a deep relaxation before going to sleep will improve the quality of your sleep and reduce stress-related night-waking.

Fact: doing a regular deep relaxation can improve your health.

Fact: doing a daily deep relaxation will increase your energy levels, leaving you feeling more vital and alert.

The deep relaxation is led by Clare Josa, who is a formally trained meditation teacher, who is also an expert in using NLP-based specialist language techniques to help you relax easily and deeply at an unconscious level.

We chose NOT to use the “traditional” new age, tinkly background music on this track, because many people find it off-putting. So what you’re getting is pure, deep relaxation.

If you would like to give it a go, you can download this Deep Relaxtion MP3 now, as our gift (it’s usually £6.99).

What Are You Trying To Control?

Inspirational Messages

Are you a control freak? Perhaps even the teeniest little bit? Most of us don’t like to admit it… I used to be an expert in “Control Theory”. Nowadays I’m studying much more about letting go of control. Would you like to find out why going with the flow can literally set you free?

Back in my Uni days, I studied something called “Control Theory”. (My degree was Mechanical Engineering, but this one sounded like something straight out of a psychology text book.) And, though I never quite understood why, I was very good at it.

Anyway, “Control Theory” was about how two (or more) related systems behave together – and how to set it up so that one controls the other. And how to predict how this interaction will behave, under certain circumstances. Sound familiar?

I remember very little about the subject now (apologies to my former lecturer), but I do remember it was about taking a “real world” scenario, turning it into a representation of that scenario, using mathematics, then being able to predict what the “output” would be, given various “inputs”.

There were very specific rules and expectations for how the systems would behave and I remember the aim was to simplify your model, as far as you could, removing any unpredictability or “noise”.

The other thing I remember about these mathematical “maps of the world” was that there was always this elusive thing called “gain”. You put something in, you turned up the gain, you got something else – even better – out.

Several decades on (ahem, not spilling those beans, thank you!), I have found that “Control Theory” bears a striking resemblence to “real life”.

In order to try to make sense of the world, we simplify our model of things – making assumptions about how things really are.

Then, because we tend to feel more comfortable when we can predict the outcome, we go for our own, personal version of control theory.

Most of us have figured out that by doing a particular thing a particular way, we get the outcome we wanted.

We like to feel we are in control.

In fact, much of the stress-related illness that is so rampant these days has its roots in us feeling out of control.
Yet needing to control everything can be completely exhausting, which also makes you ill.

[See Is Being In Control Wearing You Out?]

Feeling out of control causes emotional, mental and even physiological symptoms. It’s as though we feel we have to be in control, otherwise something terrible will happen. We develop all sorts of coping strategies, to help us stay in control, no matter what happens. And if we lose control, we can end up freaking out.

The funny thing is that very little of what we try to control is actually within our control.

Usually we’re trying to control:

Our kids
Our partner
Our home / work environment
Friends / family / co-workers
The weather!

But none of these things are actually in our power to control. Sure, we can influence them, but actually controlling how others behave is impossible. So, instead, we resort to highly effective tools like guilt, coersion, persuasion and even near-bulllying-tactics, to get the outcome we want.

Why do we do this? What’s the “gain” for us?

We get the predictable outcome that we wanted. We feel safe. Life “makes sense”.

The weird thing is that, whilst spending all this exhausting time and effort, trying to control things outside of ourselves, we put very little effort into controlling ourselves.

We let our thoughts run rampant.
We feel victim to our emotions.
Life “happens to us”.
Inner peace is – apparently – only for the deluded.
It’s “not our fault” – “we can’t help it”.

We abdicate the entire responsibility for our happiness onto how those around us behave.

If we stop and think about that for a minute, that’s really scary.

You made me angry ~ How did they force you to feel angry?

If you do that, I’ll feel happy ~ So you’re choosing not to feel happy, if they don’t do that?

If it’s sunny on Sunday, we’ll have a lovely afternoon ~ Are you choosing to have a bad afternoon, if it’s not sunny?

Is it really fair to make other people or external circumstances responsible for our happiness?
Isn’t that giving away our personal power?
It’s no wonder we want to try to stay in control.

But what can we do instead?

Do you remember what it felt like to trust?

What would happen if we let go a little bit? Just a teeny bit. If we trusted?

Does it really matter if someone does something differently to us, if they get the same outcome? Yes, it might take longer or there might be mistakes to learn from, but does it really matter?
Imagine what it would feel like, to be able to let go of feeling responsible for everything and everyone?

What would happen if we reclaimed our personal power?
Imagine what it would feel like, to be able to feel ok, even if someone else is behaving badly?

Over the coming weeks, I’m going to be writing a series of articles to help you move from needing to be in control, towards getting back into flow with life, feeling happier, less stressed and taking steps towards letting miracles into your life.

If that’s a journey that appeals to you, make sure you don’t miss any of the articles by bookmarking this link:

http://www.beyond-alchemy.com/tag/getting-in-flow/

Next time I’ll be writing about the hidden price of trying to stay in control and why you could be throwing away your dreams. See you then!

Is Being In Control Wearing You Out?

Inspirational Messages

I often dip into my pocket copy of the Tao Te Ching, when I want a bit of inspiration – and this morning’s verse was quite apt.

I woke up at 6 a.m., having got to sleep at 1 a.m. and been woken by my 2 year-old at 3 a.m., ready for my first coffee of the day.

Feeling exhausted has been a common theme for me – not just the “I need a good night’s sleep” kind of tired, but really, deep down exhausted.

And over the years, I’ve realised I’ve been pretty good at feeling tired. In fact, I was just 21 when feeling “Tired All The Time” (TATT – don’t you love it?!) got me into researching alternative therapies, starting with aromatherapy.

But, whatever I have tried -and I’ve tried the lot – nothing has shifted the general, underlying exhaustion.

It has been a constant companion through every life upheaval I have created over the last few decades!

And I know I’m not alone in this. I suspect a large number of you reading this are nodding, knowingly. Or planning to suggest even more alternatives that I’ve not yet tried. 😉

Last week I decided that enough was finally enough. There are so many things that I’m here to do, feeling exhausted no longer fits with my game plan. (Though it has been a great excuse for avoiding so much over the years!).

So, dipping into the Tao, at random, this morning, I wasn’t at all surprised by the lines I read:

To seek control is to create dis-stress.
To create dis-stress produces exhaustion.

How many of us are running this pattern?

By trying to control the world around us, the events that are out of our hands, the people who – outrageously – have their own minds and do as they please, we are using up phenomenal amounts of energy. We are exhausting ourselves. And feeling miserable into the bargain.

Tomorrow, I’ll be writing some more about what we can do instead.

In the meantime, I invite you to ponder those lines from the Tao today – and see where they take you. I suspect that answers – and change – are on the way.

Here’s to feeling bouncily full of vibrant energy!

With love,
Clare x

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Archives for September 2009

What Can We Do?

Did you know…?

Want An Expert To Guide You Through The Process?

But what can we do instead?